Day 143: Daisies

Today, I brought a girl some flowers. For the first time. Ever. No, corsages for high school dances - both of the ones I went to - do not count when it comes to bringing girls flowers.

What was the special occasion? you ask? Suffice me to say that I was unkind to this female friend not that long ago, and I fortunately am able to still call her a friend after today's visit. I learned from the movie You've Got Mail that daisies are "the friendliest flower," and they seemed like a good choice. It turns out that my instincts were, surprisingly, correct.

Let's say that, perhaps, you are a girl and are reading this, perhaps asking yourself, Why won't he bring me flowers? Well, the answer is simple: Give me a reason to do so, and I just might appear on your doorstep out of the blue.

Fourteen Things I've Learned in 14 Years

A couple of weeks ago, just prior to the dissolving of the Millstream Ward, I attended my final Ward Prayer meeting. I had signed up to give the thought for the evening, not knowing when I did so that it was going to be one of my last meetings with that good group of people.

At any rate, in preparing my thought, I did a lot of reflecting upon the many ward activities I had attended over the years and the things I had both observed and learned personally from those experiences. These 14 items are what I came up with, and I'm reposting them here after a few people requested copies. (No, I wasn't in the Millstream Ward for 14 years, but I have been home from my mission for that long; so there ya go.)

1. Moses 7:18: "And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them." I share this scripture because it pretty well reflects what my experience has been like in this ward. Fortunately, it's an environment we can help to create any and/or everywhere we go.

2. Be of the ward as well as in the ward. In other words, go to as many activities as you can. Why? Because even what appears to be the dullest activity can turn into something great; because there is something to be gained and there are friendships to be made. It's never ceased to amaze when I've witnessed a guy and a girl who have known each other for some time, perhaps years, and then they hit it off at a particular activity, and the rest of their story, as they say, is history. There are some who, for whatever reason, come to church every week but exit the building as soon as "amen" is said on the closing prayer, and they are never to be seen at the other activities during the week. As a result, they get nowhere near the same benefit from the ward and from the relationships to be gained as those who do attend everything they can.

3. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. This is a lesson that, fortunately, I learned early on. I cite the example of Bishop Lake, whom I first knew as Bro. Lake, a counselor in the bishopric, when I joined the ward. He was part of my first bishopric, and I remember the looks on his and Bro. Ohlson's faces when that bishopric was released and a new one called - how they could not hold back the tears and really feeling the love that they had for each of us. I have tried to serve others with the same spirit over the years through all of the callings and assignments I've been given. My experience in the ward came full circle, in fact, when last year, Bro. Lake was called to be Bishop Lake.

4. You never know who’s watching you, so be the best you can be. When I was still in college, I took an Institute class at the U., and it wasn't until the semester was half over that I learned one of my classmates was not a member of the Church. Fortunately, the other members of the class and I had been pretty good examples to her, and at the end of the semester, she ended up getting baptized.

5. Make your goal the temple, or bust. One of my U. of U. Institute teachers, Bro. Forsyth, once taught a lesson on this subject, and he spoke of the differences between having goals of "getting married by age 30" or of "being worthy to be married in the temple by age 30." Over the years, I've seen people get married out of spite toward someone who has wronged them, out of desperation, or for other reasons, and I've seen others who have given up on waiting for a temple marriage and have settled for much less than that. But I've also seen those who have made marriage in the temple their goal, no matter what, be rewarded with that blessing, even when they've had to wait for the right person until age 28, 29, or 30 - or beyond.

6. Be kind to everyone, no matter what. You don't know what demons they’re fighting. This point was reemphasized to me twice, following the suicide of two friends over the course of three years' time. That's two times too many. Everyone out there is having a hard time, in one way or another.

7. You can talk to the bishop about anything. I've never had a burden or problem, be it spiritual, mental, emotional, or social, that hasn't been relieved a good deal by going to talk to him. I have a testimony of the mantle that the bishop carries to lead us at this time. The same goes for his counselors and the others who have been called as advisors to the ward.

8. Everyone is nervous about dating and forming relationships; the ones who get over it are the ones who do something about it. If feel that you're too shy to talk to members of the opposite sex, then learn the art of conversation; practice with family members or close friends, and learn to listen. Or simply learn how to smile and say hello. It's all downhill from there.

9. If you don't want to go out with someone, it's okay to say no. Making up lame excuses and ignoring/avoiding that person wastes the time of both of you and is far more hurtful to that person. 'Nuff said.

10. You can't make friends with everyone. There will always be people who, for whatever reason, refuse to get along with you, no matter what you do. Even so, smile when you pass them in the hallway and say hi.

11. There are two types of regret: chances not taken and failure. Of the two, the former is far worse. Any basketball player knows that you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.

12. Try new things. If there's a hobby you've always wanted to learn, take a class. If there's someone you've known for years and are dying to ask her out, then do it. If there's a place you've always wanted to visit, then pick up the phone and call your travel agent.

13. Wear sunscreen.

14. The time goes by pretty fast; remember this: “Come what may, and love it.” –Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin I have enjoyed most every minute of it, and my only regret is that it couldn't last longer.

Reverse Rapunzels and Ivory Towers

I finally got around to seeing Disney's still relatively new animated movie Tangled last night. I had heard many people tell me that it was a great film, and their story checked out; it was fantastic.


One of my favorite scenes is near the beginning, shortly after we are introduced to Rapunzel as a young lady, now living as a captive in a lonely tower. As she sings "When Will My Life Begin" - the equivalent of the "hopes and dreams" song in Improv terminology - we learn many things about her. We learn that although Rapunzel is being held captive against her will by her evil "mother," she nevertheless manages to keep herself busy by reading, painting, cooking, solving puzzles, making candles, playing chess, and so forth. Further, we learn that if she could only set foot outside of her prison, she would do so much more.

Consequently, I know some people - male and female - who are kind of like reverse Rapunzels. They have the freedom to come and go as they please, to do whatever they want, but unlike Rapunzel, they have no or little motivation to do much else but sit at home most nights and shut out the world from everyone and everything, living vicariously through TV or movies. There is no evil "mother" keeping them there but themselves alone.

I know because I used to be one of these people.


What's my point? I guess it's that I'd rather be like Rapunzel than be a reverse Rapnunzel.

Unless movies and TV have lied to me.

Mister Plowman Regrets?

Over the weekend, I watched the semi-recent BBC movie Miss Austen Regrets.

Gotta keep tabs on that Jane Austen, I always say. If I'm ever going to understand women, then Jane Austen is going to be one of the ones to help me do it.

Miss Austen Regrets tells the story of the last few years of Jane's life. As she nears her 40th birthday, she, unlike most of the heroines of her books, is still happily unmarried. But then her niece Fanny asks her help and advice in finding a husband, and it causes Jane to look back at her own life and choices and the could-have-beens among her many suitors. She wonders if she could have saved her family from a life of poverty if she had accepted the marriage proposal of a wealthy man - a man she did not love.

That's the plot in a nutshell, but there is more to the film than that. Specifically, I thought that it contained many interesting quotes and bits of wisdom, some of which I wrote down and now share here:

Jane: Soon as we become aware of a man's attachment, we become indifferent. (I always knew this to be true; I just never heard a woman say it until now.)

Jane: Rich is just another word for safe.

Jane (after having been told that a suitor would have made her "quite happy"): Quite happy is not enough.

Madame Bigeon: But the fuss we make about who to choose. And love still dies and money still vanishes. And, spinster, lover, wife, every woman has regrets. So we read about your heroines and feel young again. And in love. And full of hope. As if we can make that choice again.
Jane: And do it right this time.
Madame Bigeon: This is the gift which God has given you.


Since I watched this movie, it's been the issue of regrets that I have been pondering on. While Jane had regrets about her life, few (if any) were missed opportunities in her love life.

As another wise person once said:

There are two types of pain in life: the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. You’ve got to choose discipline versus regret, because discipline weighs ounces, while regret weighs tons.

Regrets? I've had a few.

But then again, too few to mention.

Great Expectations

Earlier today, I found myself looking up at the sky a lot. A freaky-deaky sort of rainstorm rolled into Davis County, for those who did not witness it. I suppose it's because the sky kept reminding me of "The Nothing."

"The Nothing" is, of course, that thingy in the sky in the movie The Neverending Story (which truly never did end, as far as I know - weren't there two or three sequels and/or a TV show made?), which eats up and destroys everything in its path.

As a matter of fact, I recently watched The Neverending Story for the first time since I was a kid, thanks to Netflix, and I learned a few things that escaped me when I was younger. For one, I learned that the movie may, indeed, be even creepier than I originally thought. For another, I learned that "The Nothing" represents people's indifference.


As one of the characters describes it: The Nothing is represented in the fact that not only don't people don't care, it's that "they don't care that they don't care."

If you've followed this blog for sometime, then you already know that indifference is my #1 pet peeve about people.

Why is this? Upon reflection, I think it's perhaps because I often set my expectations too high, and I am too often disappointed when people do not meet those expectations.

I'll give you an example of what I mean, and it comes from another movie I recently watched: (500) Days of Summer. The title refers not to a season of the year but to the main character's (Tom's) relationship with a girl named Summer over the course of a 500-day period of time. It chronicles their ups and downs, and - skip to the next paragraph if you don't want the ending spoiled - breaking Hollywood taboos, they do not have a happy ending. (This is also not a film I necessarily recommend, due to some vulgar content.)

One scene is particularly heartbreaking, in which the screen is split down the middle. On one side, the viewer sees Tom's expectations of what Summer will do and how she will treat him at a social gathering. The other side shows what really takes place at this party and how Summer fails to meet those expectations and to love him in the manner he would like her to.


I relate to this scene, because I have played out the same scenarios time and time again in my own mind. And far more often than not, I have been disappointed with the reality or outcome of events. Has what I have perceived as indifference on others' parts been, in reality, my too-high or unrealistic hopes and expectations? Or has it, indeed, been indifference after all?

Either way, the lesson I get from all this is: To heck with others' expectations. If you look toward others to feel accepted, to feel good about yourself, or to feel loved, then you will more often than not be disappointed. Focusing on your own goals and ideals is a much better way to tackle things.

I'm not exactly there yet, but I know it's true, and I'm trying. Unless movies and TV have lied to me, I'm sticking with that.

A Message on Texting

Today at church, we heard a message from Bro. Wendell Moon, the first counselor in our bishopric.

Our bishopric is still relatively new, and so this was a great opportunity to learn a bit more about Bro. Moon. He shared many stories from his lifetime, including the tale of how he and Sis. Moon met. He also offered what, I think, was some wise counsel.

"I'd counsel you to do away with your texting," he said - and I know he said that because I copied down his exact words.

But what's so bad about texting? you say? My entire social life revolves around it, and I would literally dehydrate, shrivel up, and die right before your eyes if I couldn't send and/or receive at least 75 texts every day.

Granted, I believe that texting is good for a few things. For example, when I have to send out a message to the members of my family or to my Improv troupe, it certainly saves a great deal of time to send a group text than to call them individually. It's also a good thing to have when you're, say, in a work meeting and can't pick up the phone to talk to somebody.

In any other kind of setting, however, I really don't see texting as more of a "Plan B" choice of communication. The problem, I think, lies in that so many people use it as a "Plan A," if you catch my drift.

I think this was what Bro. Moon was getting at when he said that texting was bad. And it has nothing at all to do with texting while driving, which is both incredibly stupid and dangerous. It has to do with the fact that, as a society, many of us are losing the ability to communicate on a one-on-one basis.

When he was courting his wife, Bro. Moon said - now I'm paraphrasing - he spent many anxious moments, between dropping her off from a date and picking up her for the next one, looking forward to the next time he would see her. These days, he said, that's not enough for people, who are already texting each other on the way home from dates and in other, less-formal settings. In this sense - and in others - texting becomes such an impersonal means of communication, and it sort of spoils the anticipation of seeing someone in person (gasp!) on a regular basis.

Not to mention the fact that, at least for me, it takes me about 10 times as long to type a text message as to say what I often need to say to people. After all, I don't have one of those phones with a fold-out keypad. It has an app for making and receiving phone calls and maybe one or two other minor things.

But that's how we've been trained to be now. We have our cell phones, Twitter, and Facebook and - yes, I realize I'm posting this message on a blog. Maybe that's why it's so hard for us to be honest with each other. . . . I dunno.

If people text me, I'll still reply to them. But I would still rather hear their voices on the phone.

What Men Want

Today's topic is: What Men Want. Why? For one, I don't really have anything left to lose when talking about these kinds of things. For another, yours truly decides the content of this blog, so there you have it.

Some of you will recall that a little over eight months ago, I posted on the topic "What Women Want": http://theepistleofjon.blogspot.com/2009/08/q-q-q.html

This was a post that generated many thought-provoking and heartfelt comments by you, my loyal readers and friends. Some of you pointed out that "the heart wants what it wants," as the old saying goes, and that can be both for good or for ill.

Kirsten said that "the truth is that very few people get everything they want in a mate (the current divorce rate speaks to that). At the end of the day, what you need is a quality person who loves God and values you (hey, aren't these like the first and second commandments or something?). Nothing else matters."

Sara added: "No one can accept love from another person until they love themselves first."

Jill's comment included the ideas "I don't think we know what we want until we find it" and "everyone has to find their own definitions of what we put on the list."


These ideas are all very true, and I am grateful for the feedback that was shared. Looking now at the other side of the equation - what men want - well, I obviously can't speak for all of the boys, but only for myself. Everybody wants different things.

However, if I were to write a wish list of what I'm looking for, it would definitely include someone who:

- Pursues and/or honors "faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue." Yes, these are the Young Women values (and yes, I had to look them up). But they're rather attractive traits, don't you think?

- Will "open up to me, like she does to her girlfriends," to paraphrase Rob Thomas - a rather rare quality indeed, I have discovered.

- Makes spending time with me a priority and something that she wants to do, not as an obligation or a backup plan.

- Doesn't "want clever conversation," to now paraphrase Billy Joel, and is simply "someone who I can talk to."

- Can play "ping-pong" - a phrase my mission president often used. This does not refer to the sport but to social interaction, meaning that she will both give and take in the relationship and not be like a slot machine, taking all of my attention and time and giving back nothing in return.


- Values and respects my family. Someone who fails to do this becomes an automatic deal breaker.

- Doesn't have to love all of the same hobbies as I do but can at least respect and tolerate the things I am passionate about pursuing. (On a side note: writing the Epistle is one of them. I was once interested in a girl in my ward until she mentioned that she had "heard" - not read nor looked at - my blog was full of "extremely long posts." She then laughed about it, and walked away, and to this day I don't think she realizes how badly she hurt my feelings. Needless to say, that was the end of my interest in her.)

- Loves me both for who I am and what I can become.

- Is cute. Let's face it; who wants to wake up next to a "testimony"?

Are these qualities impossible to find and/or unrealistic? Perhaps. Each year that passes by, the dating pool grows smaller, and it feels like I have to do even more detective work. But keep in mind that finding a vampire with these qualities is even-less realistic.

Honesty 101

Earlier tonight, following the conclusion of another ward prayer, a few other friends and I had an in-depth and thought-provoking conversation with a very frustrated friend of ours.

He was considering giving up dating altogether, or at least taking a long sabbatical from it, he said, because a frustrating pattern had emerged in his dating experiences: He would meet someone he liked, and they would begin to date. As time passed, however, she would begin to display a disinterested attitude and/or behavior and prolong the relationship only to later break up with him, when she could have done so much earlier in the dating process and could have saved them both time and heartache. It was a cycle that had repeated itself time and time again.


"You can kill someone one of two ways," he concluded, metaphorically speaking. "You can either shoot them in the head, or you can tie them to the back of your car and drag them through town for 25 miles." In other words, you can either hurt someone a little, or you can hurt them a lot; the end result is still the same.

I'm paraphrasing here, but that's essentially what he said in summation.

Well, this kind of treatment would, naturally, make anybody frustrated. What could I tell him but that I could definitely see things from his point-of-view and that I agreed with him wholeheartedly about the idea of hurting others a little over hurting them a lot.

It all boils down to simply being honest, or what we came to call "Honesty 101" in our conversation - something that males and females both often tend to sacrifice in favor of being "polite."

I posted on the subject of honesty recently (http://theepistleofjon.blogspot.com/2010/01/honesty-such-lonely-word.html), and I still believe this to be the number-one problem in our collective failure to communicate - at least, it seems to be the biggest problem between I know and with whom I associate.

I didn't mention this to my friend during our conversation, but I have recently had my own confusing and frustrating experience with dating. I asked out someone for a second date after what I thought was a relatively fun first date. I asked her on this date nearly a week prior to it taking place, and during the course of that week, I ran into her at various ward functions, including one the night before our scheduled date. Throughout the course of the evening, I observed that she was spending a lot of her time hanging around another guy and not really ignoring me but not exactly acknowledging my existence, either.

It was an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. I have never canceled or called off a date before (other than for reasons of illness), but I was sorely tempted to do so for the first time. Instead, I ignored this temptation. We went on the date, but I still felt uncomfortable throughout the evening.


Any way you look at it, I think honesty would have helped out - both on my part and on hers. I could have been honest and told her I didn't feel like going through with the date under the circumstances, or she could have been honest and told me that the same thing.

Well, hindsight is 20/20, right? Anyway, I have had a lot to think about tonight, and I still believe that "honesty is the best policy." What are your thoughts/comments/questions/complaints, if anyone is still there? If I am wrong, where and how am I wrong? Inquiring minds want to know.

Honesty: "Such a Lonely Word"?

Over the holidays, I watched the Reese Witherspoon/Vince Vaughn movie Four Christmases.

Does mentioning that I watched this movie immediately destroy my credibility? Perhaps it does, but I'll risk it.

Four Christmases honestly wasn't that great of a film. (Go figure.) I watched it mainly because, well, I'm signed up with Netflix, and it was the holidays. I don't recommend it by any means. But there was one scene, in particular, that stood out with me.

In this scene, Reese Witherspoon's character and her father, who has been married multiple times and is preparing for yet another marriage, are having a conversation. She asks him if he has any regrets about those relationships. His answer to her is that he has just one: He wishes that he had been more honest.

Admittedly, it was a simple message from a forgettable movie, but it was something that has remained with me since then.

It made me begin to reflect as to whether I am entirely honest in my daily communication and my social interactions with others. As a society, I don't think that we are always entirely honest with each other, even though we claim to "believe in being honest, true," and all of that good stuff. Consider the following kinds of messages we tend to give each other:

What We Often Might Say: I like your haircut.
What We Really Mean: It looks like you wrestled with rabid wolverines and lost.

What We Often Might Say: I''m just too busy to do that.
What We Really Mean: I have 24 hours in a day, the same as you, but I prefer to fritter away my free time by playing Farmville on Facebook and watching "Friends" reruns on TV.

What We Often Might Say: I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.
What We Really Mean: I am looking for a relationship, but not with you, Puke Face.

What We Often Might Say: Maybe I can come.
What We Really Mean: There's no way that I plan on coming to your stupid party, but I'm far too "polite" to say no.

What We Often Might Say: It's not you, it's me.
What We Really Mean: It's you.

Why is it that so many people are afraid to "just say no" (remember the anti-drug campagin from the '80s?) when they don't want to do things, to talk to you, to spend time with you, or to date you? A Swiss friend of mine pointed this out to me a few years ago when a mutual friend of ours said that she would "maybe" come to an activity that my Swiss friend was hosting. This friend then went off on this rant about how "Utah people" always say maybe when what they really mean is no. It was a hasty generalization, to be sure, but experience has led me to believe that she may have been right to a large extent.

Forgive me for going off on my own rant about it.

Love Poetry for Dummies: "Have I Had Any Dates?"

All I can preface this with is that is has been a very long week, and my thoughts have wandered considerably while I have been under the weather. Also, before you send me hate mail, please note that I am picking on both the men and the women. So, there you have it.

"Have I Had Any Dates?"*
(To the tune of the hymn "Have I Done Any Good?")

Verse 1 (Women Only)
Have I had any dates in the ward today?
Have I flirted or dropped any hints?
Did I respond to a guy
Who came up and said "Hi"?
Or were my signals mixed and my words minced?
Has any guy’s Franklin been fuller today
Because I dared answer him yes
To bowling or dinner? Maybe a nice play?
Or did he hang up the phone, sad, depressed?

Then go out, and do something more
Than dream of some vampire in Forks.
A real guy would be better
Than a wimpy bed-header;
Vampires are pasty-white dorks!

Verse 2 (Men Only)
There are chances for dates all around the ward;
Opportunities right in your face.
Do not let them pass on;
Soon she just might be gone!
Try to get Mom and Dad off your case.
’Tis noble of young men to give, buy, and spend;
Love's labor comes with a price tag.
He with deep pockets is not alone in the end;
All others are stuck going stag.

Then go out; don't sit there at home,
Playing Rock Band or Halo all night.
Your Wii will be waiting
When you get back from dating,
Only those who cast lines get a bite!


*Any inferred sacrilege is completely unintentional and is the sole responsiblity of the reader.

What Women Want

Today's Random Question out of Nowhere is: What do women really want?

The reason I pose this question is twofold:

(1) I recently watched the 2000 Mel Gibson/Helen Hunt movie What Women Want for the first time. It got me thinking about what women really do want. As far as I could gather, the movie answers this question with: Women want Mel Gibson - not just somebody who looks like Mel Gibson (sorry, Steve), that is, but the Mel Gibson. Or, at least, they did back in 2000, which was a few years before drunk driving destroyed his career.

(2) After all of these years of dating, I have absolutely no clue as to what women really want. (Any girl who's ever been on a date with me is somewhere nodding her head in agreement right now.)


My experiences with the last girl I dated, I must admit, also warped my mind, to some extent, as to the answer to this question. It is a long, complicated story, but in a nutshell: After our first few dates, she began to ignore and avoid me. A year-and-a-half later, she suddenly decided that I was worth talking to again, straight out of the blue. Following a month of dating, she asked me to please leave her alone. The next day, she showed up at my doorstep and asked me to reconsider. Three weeks after that, she said that it "wasn't working for her" and then proceeded to ignore me again. Two months later, she pulled me aside after a ward activity and explained that she had broken up with me because she feared it was hurting the feelings of a friend. A month later, she flaked out on me again like so many bits of dandruff. Like a dog who follows his master anywhere and everywhere, I went along with the whole ordeal gullibly, too.

Too much information? Too late. The point is, I could never figure out exactly what it was that she wanted and could never tell at any given moment whether I was coming or going. Suffice to say, I learned that (1) she wished to spend time with me and (2) she couldn't stand to spend time with me.


Years ago, when I was in the Young Men's program, we would have those "qualities that Young Women look for in Young Men, and vice-versa" lessons once a year. This was the lesson in which leaders would write all of the desired characteristics listed by men and women, respectively, on the chalkboard. I always tried to take good mental notes during these lessons and would try to develop said characteristics.

The Relief Society in my brother's singles ward recently had one of these lessons. I I had a conversation with him about it, discussing which kinds of things the sisters (the 2009 version) desired in a mate. Among the items they listed, they desire someone who is: thoughtful, goal-oriented, patient, educated, a worthy priesthood holder (has a testimony, attends meetings, etc.), service oriented, hard working, has a good sense of humor, is good-looking, attempts to communicate, and shares common interests.


Questions for Discussion: What does "thoughtful" mean, exactly? People with O.C.D. are the most "thoughtful" people I know. Isn't "goal-oriented" just code for "has muscles and a jeep"? When women say that they find a "sense of humor" appealing, does this mean that they like guys who are funny or just those who will laugh at certain kinds of things?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Note: Before I receive a slew of angry comments comparing me to Attila the Hun's toe jam, I should state for the record that I ask this random question not to criticize nor to complain but because I honestly am wanting to know what it is that woment want.

I Want Candy!

More than a month ago, as the chapel emptied following the conclusion of sacrament meeting on Mothers' Day, the sisters (and future mothers) in the congregation were each given flowers. This tradition has been a part of our ward for at least as long as I have belonged to it, and I feel that it is always a nice gesture.

While the flowers were being passed out, I sat talking with a couple of friends. I made the observation that while the sisters were always given flowers on Mothers' Day, the brethren of the congregation were always given, well, jack squat on Fathers' Day. Both friends agreed with this assessment, while one added that if we were to be given anything at all, it most likely would be yet another lecture on how badly we, the brethren, are doing at dating, which is what the issue always seems to boil down to when it comes to the subject of dating.

Anyway, Fathers' Day came yesterday, and I am happy to report that I was proven wrong - which is something I can be happy about being when it comes to these kinds of things.


The sisters passed out gifts to the brethren (and, presumably, future fathers) in the congregation. Our booty: candy bars, which are really the male equivalent of (or superior to, depending on whom you ask) flowers for many of the boys I know. I will admit freely that this nice gesture was a pleasant surprise.

Many guys still subscribe to theory that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I am one of them.

What We've Got Here Is a Failure to Communicate

Sunday night at ward prayer, the group-discussion question was "If you could change one thing about the opposite sex, what would it be?"

As you might imagine, there were many interesting and varied responses to this question, some of which elicited those "oooh!" reactions that you hear from the audience on "Everybody Loves Raymond" just after someone has insulted someone else. A few people took the high road and either chose not to respond or said that they wouldn't change anything.

So, who had the deepest insight into this highly controversial topic? The girls often agreed with the girls' answers, and the boys often agreed with the boys. Go figure.

People's answers, I think, mostly boiled down to one larger issue: communication.

I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but men and women communicate differently. It's true!

I actually took a few classes in college in which we discussed some of the myriad ways in which the genders communicate. For example - and this has been proven scientifically (somebody, somewhere got the grant money for this study) - men use an average of 15,000 words per day, while women use an average of 25,000 words. That's why, supposedly, men are so reluctant to "talk about their day" when they come home from work, because they've nearly used up their 15,000 words, while women still have 10,000 or so more to go.

Also, men are far more likely than women to misinterpret a member of the opposite sex being friendly to them as being interested in them romantically. (See, girls, it's not really our fault; it has something to do with that pesky Y chromosome.)

The League of Ordinary Gentlemen

Last night, I went to the Utah Jazz/Houston Rockets game at EnergySolutions Arena in Salt Lake City. It was just my second time going to a Jazz game this season, and I enjoyed the opportunity. The game was very exciting. We had a lot to cheer about, as the home team pulled off a 13-point victory.

As much as I enjoy Jazz games, however, that's not what this post is about.

As I waited in my seat for the game to start, I couldn't help but notice a strange phenomenon. I saw a man and what was apparently his date/girlfriend/wife walking up and over to their seats. What was weird about it was that the man was not only walking in front of the woman; he was, in fact, several strides ahead of her. They were together, and yet they weren't together - if that makes sense. From what I could see, she may as well have been a dog following him around, as far as he was concerned.

It struck me as odd when I saw it. But then I noticed the same thing happen again with a different couple. Why don't these guys have enough courtesty to walk next to their dates/wives? I wondered. I also thought, What kind of girl wants to follow around a guy who acts like that?

I couldn't help but think of the line uttered by Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: "Who's more foolish - the fool, or the fool who follows him?"

Whatever the answer to that question may be, I was rather embarrassed for my gender, collectively speaking. I may be misinterpreting what I saw, but it just didn't seem like a very gentlemanly thing of these guys to do.

Growing up, I was taught that it was good manners to say things like "please" and "thank you," to open doors for my dates, to take their hands if they ever needed help getting up - those kinds of things. Chivalry is an attitude that seems to be lost on a lot of people today. It's also something called common courtesy.

Is chivalry dead? No. But it appears to be in intensive care.

Then again, maybe it's just Jazz fans.

Doorsteps and Missteps

Today's Random Question out of Nowhere is: What, exactly, is the proper etiquette for the doorstep at the end of a date? How do you know when a hug, a handshake (shudder), or nothing at all is appropriate? Do you wait for her to act, or do you initiate? I would honestly like to know what your thoughts are on the subject.

Okay, so that's more than one question. Sort of. I mean, they're really the same question. Also, if I knew the answer, I wouldn't be asking.

Nothing specifically has happened lately to cause me to ask this question. Then again, maybe that's exactly why I'm asking it - because nothing specifically has happened lately.


It seems like there is not any one, specific guideline on the matter. Or is there? Inquiring minds want to know.

Truth be told, I don't know many, if any, guys who look forward to the doorstep at all - be it an awkward moment or not. We spend all of that time, in the first place, stressing over who to call for the date; then wondering if she'll say yes; then trying to be charming/funny and look cool on the date itself; then, on the way to the doorstep, wondering silently if she wouldn't mind a second date, or if she thinks we look like the Elephant Man; and then, after all of that stress and worry, we have to face a doorstep - the most intimidating moment of all - too?

No wonder the doorstep is always the last moment of a date. We put it off as long as we possibly can. It's almost enough to make us want to get it over with, no matter how awkward, and then breathe that sigh of relief that comes when a date is over.

As for me, I tend to err on the side of caution. I let the girl initiate any kind of gesture, if anything at all is to happen - because I don't want to make her feel like she owes me anything back . . . if that makes sense.

Hugs are great. But personally, I would rather get slapped in the face than be offered a handshake. There's just something so - I don't know - underwhelming about a handshake at the end of a date that makes it feel like a slap in the face. At least, with a slap in the face, you know you're getting what you feel like you're getting.

I have also seen girls literally run inside without saying another word. What causes this? I don't know. Maybe I start to turn into a werewolf in the light of the full moon, and I'm just not aware of it. Maybe they're in a hurry to catch the weather forecast on the news. Maybe they're used to guys not even walking them to their doors, or perhaps they are accustomed to being tossed out of the passenger-side window as he drives by. The possibilities are endless.

And, no, in case you were wondering, I haven't been slapped in the face - yet. But it's still early. I have, however, been the one to do the slapping.

It was for a role in a play, okay?

Moving Forward in the Face of Fear

I have a good friend who is very shy when it comes to girls. Come to think of it, shy might not be the right way to say it. Immobilized with fear may be the term that applies here.

Recently, I learned that a girl in our ward has developed a crush on this shy friend of mine. Upon learning of this, I was enlisted to try to help steer him in her direction. I told him only that I had heard someone liked him and asked if he would like to know who it was. To my shock, he replied that he didn't even want to know her name and that knowing there was someone interested in him was scary enough.

I guess I was shocked by his answer mostly because this is a guy who was a dating machine in high school. I don't know what happened between high school and now to change things, but it was definitely something. I was also shocked by his answer because he isn't afraid to do a lot of things. He is one of the smartest people I know, excels in his profession and in his hobbies, serves diligently in his Church callings, is loyal and fun loving, and is otherwise a well-rounded individual. He would make an excellent husband for any girl he married. But dating, let alone marriage, appears to be the last thing on his mind.

I want to help my friend. I want him to be happy and not idle with despair, for lack of a better term. As a friend, he has helped me over the years - in more ways than he knows - through thick and thin, in good times and in bad ones. But I don't know where to start, especially when he won't even let me help him.

It is a terrible thing to be a victim of fear. I know it well from personal experience. I think that the fear of two things keeps most people from dating and achieving the kind of happiness that they long for:

(1) People of both genders fear being rejected by the objects of their affection. They are afraid to make a move or to to do anything at all that will put their feelings out in the open and leave them vulnerable. Yes, there is a chance that he/she will return their feelings, but the possibility of it not happening keeps them from trying at all.

(2) On the other hand, people also fear not being rejected. The possibility of entering into a one-on-one relationship means the loss of a certain degree of independence, money, and time once devoted to personal hobbies and pursuits that will, consequently, have to be sacrificed. So many people are unwilling to give up those things.


Not too long ago on this blog, I mentioned Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's book Press On, which I read about a year ago. One of my favorite messages in this book contains the following counsel:

Fear can make us run away from things — things like setting and achieving goals, developing relationships, or becoming the people we know we should become. Sometimes fear can even paralyze us to the point that we don’t even try.

Fear can be a thick fog that smothers our dreams. It can be a cage that restrains us from reaching our destiny. It can be a weight that restrains our every step. . . .

We may not be immune to being afraid, but we do not have to succumb to it. My friend Harold Brown once said, “It is better to face fear once than to live in its shadow.” I believe he is right.

We are surrounded and uplifted by the faith of our members and by the hand of heaven. If only we could see that, our fears would have far less influence over us. Move forward with faith, believing you will succeed! Don’t let fear of failure stop you from greatness.

There are two kinds of regret: the regret of having tried and failed, and the regret of not having tried at all. The regret of not having tried at all is far worse than the regret of having tried and failed.

To my friend, I say: If you are reading this, please know that I would not be a good friend to you if I didn't care enough to tell you these things. It is because I care about you and want you to achieve your full potential that I do so, just as you wish the same for me.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Sometimes, I feel like I'm preparing women to marry other men. I have a history of seeing girls I have broken up with go on to marry the next guy they date. I have lost track of the number, but I'm relatively sure that it has now happened more times than I can count on one hand.


Recently, I learned that, once again, someone I dated in the recent past has become engaged to another guy. But I am not at all bitter. I wish the best for them both. I'm sure she will be very happy with Dorky McSnotface.

No, honestly, I hold absolutely no bitter feelings at all, and I really do wish them both well. Adding the "Dorky McSnotface" part served only to illustrate the fact that breaking up and "just being friends" is a hard thing for a lot of people, and I include myself in that group. A lot of people carry bitter feelings with them for years and years, which is not a healthy thing to do and accomplishes basically nothing.

Personally, I can't do the "let's just be friends" thing. I'm not going to be that person's enemy, but I can't be her friend, either . . . if that makes sense. I have had more than a few uncomfortable moments at church (and elsewhere) around girls I have previously dated, especially when they're with their next significant other (who often becomes a fiancé).

When it comes to breaking up, I take a page from Nephi. Yes, that Nephi.

As 2 Nephi recounts, Laman and Lemuel really started to get wicked once Lehi died. Nephi had already been through a lot with his brothers, but this was the final straw. He saw it was no longer safe there, so he and his family packed up their things and left. They were still his brothers, and he still forgave and cared for them. But he could no longer be their friend anymore, and he had to put distance between them.

This is essentially the approach I take to breaking up. I'm not saying that my "ex" is "wicked" nor becomes a Laman or Lemuel to me, but, as with Nephi, it no longer is "safe" for me to remain near her. I need space - lots of it. A part of me still cares for her and probably always will, but at a distance.

Something I tried last year, when I was going through a rough patch in my social life, was to make a CD of "breakup" songs. I called it "Love Songs (with Arsenic Sauce!)," and I listened to it quite a lot. I put some songs on the disc that had a kind of tongue-in-cheek feeling about breaking up in them, would have a good laugh when I listened to them, and would otherwise try to move on with my life. In the end, I feel that the CD helped me a lot.

So, how do you handle breaking up? Inquiring minds want to know. I don't particularly need nor expect a whole lot of response on this, but I'm curious as to whether people have better ways of dealing with it. (For the curious, I don't mind offering to burn you a copy of "Love Songs [with Arsenic Sauce!]," either.)

A New Hope, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Jane Austen, Part II

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and I am that big man.

Back in September, if you recall, some friends and I learned that there were a handful of girls in the ward who had not yet seen Star Wars. So, Nick planned and hosted "Star Wars Induction" night, for which we watched Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope. After that, I posted what I suppose came across as a diatribe of sorts, complaining about how girls wouldn't give Star Wars a chance.

Well, I was wrong - as wrong as Obi-Wan was about thinking that he could train Anakin Skywalker to be a Jedi. Or, at least, my friends proved me wrong.


In November, I hosted "Star Wars Induction, Part II," for which we watched the next chapter in the films, The Empire Strikes Back. Jill and Shannon, surprisingly, came and didn't hate the movie - which I consider a success. Then, a week-and-a-half ago, Adria and Julia took the initiative and hosted Part III, for which we watched Return of the Jedi, completing our viewing of the original trilogy. Kristen, who had never before seen any of the Star Wars films, came to this one, and - though we needed to give her a brief synopsis of the first five episodes - I daresay that she enjoyed it. Jill and Shannon also made a cameo appearance, singing us a Christmas song (well, Shannon mostly) and bringing us a plate full of goodies.

One important thing about good friends is that they will still love you even (or especially) when you're wrong or out of line. So, thank you, friends.
Keep in mind that Han Solo, too, started out as a jerk and then evolved into a good guy. Though I'm no Harrison Ford, I'm likewise trying to be better than I have been.

For the record, I also believe I wrote something in September to the effect that I didn't consider the relatively new, animated Star Wars film, The Clone Wars, to be a true part of the series. Well, I was wrong about that, too. I recently rented it and watched it with some low expectations going in. Turns out that I enjoyed it quite a bit, and I have been enjoying the TV show, as well.

First Impressions and Blind Spots

My topic today is dating blind spots, and I'm choosing to pick on: myself.

What are dating blind spots? you ask? Anyone with a driver's license knows that a blind spot is the area to the left or right of your car (or even behind, if you're backing up) that can't be seen in side-view mirrors. When changing lanes, it is important to check your blind spots, or you could cause an accident, run over an animal, or worse.

Dating blind spots, then, are personality flaws we don't see in ourselves that may be all-too apparent to our dates or to our friends (think double- or triple-dating). We may think things are running smoothly when (surprise!) we may be acting like an idiot.

I'll give you an example from my own experiences. It was a hard lesson to learn, but it was one that helped me to be more vigilant from that point on.

A few years ago, I became acquainted with a good friend's sister at a dance. She was cute, friendly, smelled nice, and, on top of all of that, was a great dancer to boot. So, I asked her out to (you guessed it) a school dance. I had to drive through a torrential rainstorm all the way out to northern Davis County to pick her up, drive her to the dance at the state Capitol, and then take her home afterward - putting more than 100 miles on my car in one night. No matter, though, for she seemed like a good sport about it, and we talked and laughed throughout the evening. At the dance itself, I gladly taught what was to her a new dance, merengue, and she seemed to enjoy learning that, too.


We had gotten along quite well, I thought, and I was excited about the possibility of going out with her again. A week or so later, I called her up to ask for a second date. When I heard her voice over the phone, however, she seemed, well, not interested in talking to me at all. She flatly told me no. Not no, I'm busy that night, but simply no. She wasn't impolite or rude; she just didn't seem to be the friendly person I had gotten to know the week before.

I tried calling her a third time a few weeks later, just in case the previous occurrence had been some sort of fluke, and again I was given a flat no response. I was puzzled. I wondered for weeks what had happened to cause her to react this way. And, then, I ran into her brother (my friend) at the Institute and asked if he had any input. That turned out to be a stupid question on my part.

She generally enjoyed herself at the dance, he told me. But, early on in the evening, I had made some sort of joke poking fun at Weber State - a school I had previously attended and one that she was currently attending - that had given her a bad impression of me. I thought I was obviously kidding, but the damage had been done. Futher, at the dance, she thought I was a "wallflower" and didn't ask her to dance as much as she would have liked.

As I wrote before, it was a hard lesson for me to learn. I found out that I had at least two major blind spots - ones I didn't know I had - that had made her experience an unpleasant one. In the years since, I have tried to be more careful in what I joke about on first dates, because you never know where people are coming from or what their sense of humor may turn out to be like. What's funny and sarcastic to one person may be insulting to another.

I was hurt when I was given a flat no to those date requests. But, with time and perspective, I have come to respect this girl for being completely honest with me when she had no desire at all for another date. Being told no is so much better than being fed lame excuses, wasting the time of both people involved and prolonging the inevitable.

In other words, you can either hurt somebody a little (by turning him/her down early) or a lot (by stringing him/her along). She chose to hurt me a little, and (now) I appreciate that.

All of this leads me to the discussion questions: Which is the best way to find out about what your dating blind spots are? How do you go about getting feedback for a date? What are the keys to getting a second date?

I would appreciate any and all feedback.

Split Personalities

There is a girl in my ward I have been interested in for some time now. She is cute, smart, funny, happy, and a good friend to a lot of people, among other positive qualities. In spite of all of that, I think she might like me, too. I have enjoyed taking part in several conversations and activities with her and found that, in spite of our differences, we actually share a lot of things in common. (I'll refer to her as "Person A," for future reference.)

So, what are you waiting for? you might be thinking. Why don't you ask her out, you big sissy?


We get along like that only about half of the time. I will explain.

The other half of the time, she seems to be . . . someone else. (I'll call her "Person B.") She seems to either avoid or ignore me. Not long ago, I approached her out of the blue and greeted her with a "hello," to which I received no response at all. She then resumed talking to the person next to her. Embarrassed, I left.

I don't know if she's just not interested and is too polite to tell me, or she doesn't know that she's doing it, or she's tired at these moments, or I did/didn't do something that offended her, or I'm just misinterpreting or misperceiving circumstances, or what. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. What I do know is that I have seen a healthy dose of both Person A and Person B, often during different parts of the same day.


If I call her up for a date, will I get Person A or Person B on the phone? That's what is holding me back.

For those who have stuck with me this long, do you have any thoughts on the matter? comments? complaints? I honestly would like to know. I have my fair share of dating "blind spots," too.

(If you enjoyed these comic strips and are interested in seeing more of the same, please visit: http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/, one of my favorite new sites on the Web. It is only a coincidence that the main character and I share the same first name.)