Recently, I learned that, once again, someone I dated in the recent past has become engaged to another guy. But I am not at all bitter. I wish the best for them both. I'm sure she will be very happy with Dorky McSnotface.
No, honestly, I hold absolutely no bitter feelings at all, and I really do wish them both well. Adding the "Dorky McSnotface" part served only to illustrate the fact that breaking up and "just being friends" is a hard thing for a lot of people, and I include myself in that group. A lot of people carry bitter feelings with them for years and years, which is not a healthy thing to do and accomplishes basically nothing.
Personally, I can't do the "let's just be friends" thing. I'm not going to be that person's enemy, but I can't be her friend, either . . . if that makes sense. I have had more than a few uncomfortable moments at church (and elsewhere) around girls I have previously dated, especially when they're with their next significant other (who often becomes a fiancé).
When it comes to breaking up, I take a page from Nephi. Yes, that Nephi.
As 2 Nephi recounts, Laman and Lemuel really started to get wicked once Lehi died. Nephi had already been through a lot with his brothers, but this was the final straw. He saw it was no longer safe there, so he and his family packed up their things and left. They were still his brothers, and he still forgave and cared for them. But he could no longer be their friend anymore, and he had to put distance between them.
This is essentially the approach I take to breaking up. I'm not saying that my "ex" is "wicked" nor becomes a Laman or Lemuel to me, but, as with Nephi, it no longer is "safe" for me to remain near her. I need space - lots of it. A part of me still cares for her and probably always will, but at a distance.
Something I tried last year, when I was going through a rough patch in my social life, was to make a CD of "breakup" songs. I called it "Love Songs (with Arsenic Sauce!)," and I listened to it quite a lot. I put some songs on the disc that had a kind of tongue-in-cheek feeling about breaking up in them, would have a good laugh when I listened to them, and would otherwise try to move on with my life. In the end, I feel that the CD helped me a lot.
So, how do you handle breaking up? Inquiring minds want to know. I don't particularly need nor expect a whole lot of response on this, but I'm curious as to whether people have better ways of dealing with it. (For the curious, I don't mind offering to burn you a copy of "Love Songs [with Arsenic Sauce!]," either.)
4 comments:
I feel the same way about myself. I feel like I've prepared lots and lots and lots of guys to marry another girl. It could be a friend or an ex.
Breakups depend on the person. With my 1st boyfriend it was Ok and we are actually friends to this day. I like that because we were better friends than we were in a relationship.
My 2nd boyfriend was more complicated and I chalk that up to the face that we liked to make out a lot. Its harder I think when you've been close to someone like that. Plus the fact that he cheated on me twice. Still hurts and that's my excuse for not going to singles activities. I know that all men aren't jerks but I haven't gotten over it. That's when I moved to Atlanta. I liked your Nephi anaology. You're a smart guy. :-) I would love a CD..that would rock.
I'll respond to this one - although I don't profess to be an expert on this AT ALL. (Apparently I have a lot to say about it though!).
In my breakups, it's helped to not give myself an expectation/time limit of when I'll "be over it." I thought Amy's advice Sunday night was spot on - whatever end you are on the breaking up, it hurts. A lot. And matters of the heart don't heal quickly. It's hard when that person remains in your life too - like seeing them at Church and/or dating other people. I personally took the route of avoidance and complete cut-off for a while in one of my experiences. And used that time to re-build myself and be happy and productive in other areas. Life goes on, and it's unattractive to stay in the past and sorrow over what has been lost.
After a period of avoidance (which really wasn't possible because I still saw him around), I decided I didn't need or want to endure the pain anymore. And that meant talking to him and being his friend. At first it was very painful, but I tried to be genuine. It helped that I still esteem him highly and wanted to be his friend. It gradually became easier and easier until the pain is completely gone and so is the desire to date him again. I'm grateful it happened that way. He's been very kind to me and has even said some things that have helped me with my most recent breakup.
So basically, I really do believe it can happen - the friend thing. Mind you, I don't think the relationship will ever have the same level of "chumminess" (is that a word?) as before, but if the two people are willing, there can be a friendship.
And you know what? I think it's the happiest route to go- for me, at least. It helps me continue to have confidence and hope for the future, because even though those relationships haven't worked out, we can say kind things to each other and I'm not left feeling like some "undateable" creature (or swearing off men).
So there's my novel. I have more to say, but I'll stop there.
I think music is brilliantly therapeutic. It says everything so you don't have to - you just have to point and smile. Or grin viciously, whichever.
I also firmly believe that no ex-semi-signficant other has the right to expect friendship. Friendship implies things that cannot be compulsory. Perhaps I am stingy with my sociality, but here I am, butting into your conversation. . .
I too have experienced the phenomenon of which you wrote, namely that of having everyone I asked on a date marry the next person they found. I came to the conclusion eventually that there are much less healthy results from dating. For instance, none of them have become psycho serial killers, mysogynists, or couch potatoes. I find it unlikely that we did any harm, and perhaps we're warming them up. What more can we ask than to be a blessing to others?
hrm.. i really only had one real experience with this.. (i never dated all that much in general, and really only had one "boyfriend" before I met my husband.. though did have any number of male friends who were really never more then friends..) but the one relationship I did have, well, ended... very badly... We were stuck doing the long distance thing due to school though I was in my final year and we were making plans. I was going to move out to where he was and we were even talking marriage.. then.. just before my midterms, he emails me to let me know that he'd started seeing someone else.. she wasn't better then me, but she was closer.. so, he was dumping me and was going to marry her instead.
This was not a happy time for me, to say the least...
It was hard to learn that this relationship hadn't been as serious for him as he had led me to believe and as it was for me... Took me a very long time to get over it, but I had a lot of really good friends to support me.. and later found out that his new fiance called off the wedding 2 days before when she found out that he'd been actively participating on several singles sites.. so, wound up being a very good thing for me that this all went belly up.. He wasn't the man I had thought he was, and hoped he was.. (so much for all RM's always being good guys..) and there would have been a lot more trouble and pain if things had gone farther..
as for things that cheered me up.. well, good friends, reading Terry Pratchett, and, as anyone who knows me knows... Muppets! :)
but, would be very interested in your play list.. :) I've got teenager step children now.. and goodness knows, they're going to need something like that. :)
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