The reason I pose this question is twofold:
(1) I recently watched the 2000 Mel Gibson/Helen Hunt movie What Women Want for the first time. It got me thinking about what women really do want. As far as I could gather, the movie answers this question with: Women want Mel Gibson - not just somebody who looks like Mel Gibson (sorry, Steve), that is, but the Mel Gibson. Or, at least, they did back in 2000, which was a few years before drunk driving destroyed his career.
(2) After all of these years of dating, I have absolutely no clue as to what women really want. (Any girl who's ever been on a date with me is somewhere nodding her head in agreement right now.)
My experiences with the last girl I dated, I must admit, also warped my mind, to some extent, as to the answer to this question. It is a long, complicated story, but in a nutshell: After our first few dates, she began to ignore and avoid me. A year-and-a-half later, she suddenly decided that I was worth talking to again, straight out of the blue. Following a month of dating, she asked me to please leave her alone. The next day, she showed up at my doorstep and asked me to reconsider. Three weeks after that, she said that it "wasn't working for her" and then proceeded to ignore me again. Two months later, she pulled me aside after a ward activity and explained that she had broken up with me because she feared it was hurting the feelings of a friend. A month later, she flaked out on me again like so many bits of dandruff. Like a dog who follows his master anywhere and everywhere, I went along with the whole ordeal gullibly, too.
Too much information? Too late. The point is, I could never figure out exactly what it was that she wanted and could never tell at any given moment whether I was coming or going. Suffice to say, I learned that (1) she wished to spend time with me and (2) she couldn't stand to spend time with me.
Years ago, when I was in the Young Men's program, we would have those "qualities that Young Women look for in Young Men, and vice-versa" lessons once a year. This was the lesson in which leaders would write all of the desired characteristics listed by men and women, respectively, on the chalkboard. I always tried to take good mental notes during these lessons and would try to develop said characteristics.
The Relief Society in my brother's singles ward recently had one of these lessons. I I had a conversation with him about it, discussing which kinds of things the sisters (the 2009 version) desired in a mate. Among the items they listed, they desire someone who is: thoughtful, goal-oriented, patient, educated, a worthy priesthood holder (has a testimony, attends meetings, etc.), service oriented, hard working, has a good sense of humor, is good-looking, attempts to communicate, and shares common interests.
Questions for Discussion: What does "thoughtful" mean, exactly? People with O.C.D. are the most "thoughtful" people I know. Isn't "goal-oriented" just code for "has muscles and a jeep"? When women say that they find a "sense of humor" appealing, does this mean that they like guys who are funny or just those who will laugh at certain kinds of things?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Note: Before I receive a slew of angry comments comparing me to Attila the Hun's toe jam, I should state for the record that I ask this random question not to criticize nor to complain but because I honestly am wanting to know what it is that woment want.
6 comments:
Interesting question to throw out there, and one I think most people think about, including women. I recently watched "PS I love you" (Shocker I know) and at one point a male character asks a woman "what do women want" and she responds, as if it's a secret, "we have absolutely no idea." It kind of struck a cord with me. Sure we can all list the things we want on a list in RS, but when it comes down to it, I don't think we know what we want until we find it.
I know, that probably isn't fair, but it isn't all that easy for us either. We think we want the romantic, swooning, dashing boy who caters to our every need, but upon finding that we just feel smoothered. Then we think we want the thrill of the chase and want the boy to play hard to get, but alas we just feel ignored and of little consequence, and no longer what what we originally wanted.
Figuring out what we want has got to be a challenge. I think everyone has to find their own definitions of what we put on the list. You brought up "thoughtful" and yes some may take it literally of those who actually are the most thoughtful, but I think it has it's own definition to everyone. To me it means someone who puts thought into his actions towards me. Pays attention to my likes, dislikes, preferences and then used that knowledge to find what it is I want. I also think "thoughtful" is just being aware of the other person's needs, wants, desires, aspirations, etc. Being aware and action upon that is what I think constitutes being "thoughtful."
Not sure if that clarifies anything, but I for one am still figuring out what it is I truly want. I know most men would love a simple answer, but the fact of the matter is, it just isn't that simple.
Jill, thank you for your thoughtful response. It's definitely not a simple answer, true, but I appreciate your perspective.
The truth is that very few people get everything they want in a mate (the current divorce rate speaks to that). At the end of the day, what you need is a quality person who loves God and values you (hey, aren't these like the first and second commandments or something?). Nothing else matters. Jon, if you are still the person I knew way back when, you DO have all those qualities (well, maybe except for the muscles and the Jeep!). Good luck.
Jon, reading about your last dating experience, it seems like it was her problem, and not that you didn't know what women want. She seems like a major flake who was being manipulative. She didn't know what she wanted. When a girl does that, just say politely that you don't want to be strung around and that when she figures out what she wants from you and can stick to it, to let you know.
Thoughtful means different things to different women, of course. I take it to mean respect and showing the girl you care for her. Opening doors, flowers, and kind words go along way. Even if the guy doesn't have muscles and a jeep!
This sounds like an insecurity problem on the girl’s side!
My personal opinion: no one can accept love from another person until they love themselves first.
WOMEN WANT WHAT THEY WANT, AND USUALLY GET IT!
For example, women who stay with an abusive partner – they leave the abuse when they CHOOSE to. Women who want someone to respect them usually choose someone that they respect too. It’s a choice.
When women don’t know what they want, it’s usually due to some insecurity in their own life – but they manage to move the blame to the poor guy they are dating by finding flaws in them or acting manipulative. I believe that men simply need to be needed and women complicate their own needs. I wish we were better at expressing our WANTs for you men.
John, I think you’re pretty awesome for being very open and honest about your life!!
I look forward to reading more responses to this topic.
Thanks for letting me read!
So close! Jon...call Jon Woodbury and have him explain the hitch factor theory to you! It might help a bit.
Post a Comment