Some of you will recall that a little over eight months ago, I posted on the topic "What Women Want": http://theepistleofjon.blogspot.com/2009/08/q-q-q.html
This was a post that generated many thought-provoking and heartfelt comments by you, my loyal readers and friends. Some of you pointed out that "the heart wants what it wants," as the old saying goes, and that can be both for good or for ill.
Kirsten said that "the truth is that very few people get everything they want in a mate (the current divorce rate speaks to that). At the end of the day, what you need is a quality person who loves God and values you (hey, aren't these like the first and second commandments or something?). Nothing else matters."
Sara added: "No one can accept love from another person until they love themselves first."
Jill's comment included the ideas "I don't think we know what we want until we find it" and "everyone has to find their own definitions of what we put on the list."
These ideas are all very true, and I am grateful for the feedback that was shared. Looking now at the other side of the equation - what men want - well, I obviously can't speak for all of the boys, but only for myself. Everybody wants different things.
However, if I were to write a wish list of what I'm looking for, it would definitely include someone who:
- Pursues and/or honors "faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity, and virtue." Yes, these are the Young Women values (and yes, I had to look them up). But they're rather attractive traits, don't you think?
- Will "open up to me, like she does to her girlfriends," to paraphrase Rob Thomas - a rather rare quality indeed, I have discovered.
- Makes spending time with me a priority and something that she wants to do, not as an obligation or a backup plan.
- Doesn't "want clever conversation," to now paraphrase Billy Joel, and is simply "someone who I can talk to."
- Can play "ping-pong" - a phrase my mission president often used. This does not refer to the sport but to social interaction, meaning that she will both give and take in the relationship and not be like a slot machine, taking all of my attention and time and giving back nothing in return.
- Values and respects my family. Someone who fails to do this becomes an automatic deal breaker.
- Doesn't have to love all of the same hobbies as I do but can at least respect and tolerate the things I am passionate about pursuing. (On a side note: writing the Epistle is one of them. I was once interested in a girl in my ward until she mentioned that she had "heard" - not read nor looked at - my blog was full of "extremely long posts." She then laughed about it, and walked away, and to this day I don't think she realizes how badly she hurt my feelings. Needless to say, that was the end of my interest in her.)
- Loves me both for who I am and what I can become.
- Is cute. Let's face it; who wants to wake up next to a "testimony"?
Are these qualities impossible to find and/or unrealistic? Perhaps. Each year that passes by, the dating pool grows smaller, and it feels like I have to do even more detective work. But keep in mind that finding a vampire with these qualities is even-less realistic.
4 comments:
Good post Jon. My opinion on the matter is that the qualities good men and women want in their future spouse are not all that different. Women want men who PURSUE (love that word) all things virtuous and of good report too. We want someone who is attractive, supportive, attentive, kind, and interested.
I think the problem is found when people (myself included at times) expect to find these qualities through distant observation or occasional interaction (or just look for the manifestation of these qualities in a specific mold). I think we've lost the art of courting - of getting to know a person through direct, intentional dating (with no immediate marriage strings attached).
That is what I think, at least.
Really? That's your whole list? Maybe I'm not understanding something, but don't most girls fit that description? I'm surprised that you are not already married. When I knew you, you had a full harem of 10 girls who surrounded you at every ward activity. Just grab one of them and go! (p.s. You do NOT want a girl to talk to you the way she talks to her girlfriends. Trust me!)
Shannon: Thanks for your comments.
Kirsten: I wish things came as easily as they did 10 or 11 years ago, but things change. My experience has taught me that the people who fit the description are in the minority, by far. Anyway, if you re-read my post, you'll note that I wrote "open up" and not "talk"; I think there's a distinct difference between the two.
All I'm saying is that a girl "opens up" to her girlfriends over a few subjects only--boys, vampires, clothes, and maybe hair. Which of these subjects did you want to be tortured with? Girls can't and don't talk to boys the way they talk to girls. And this is a good thing for all involved!
Maybe you mean that you want a girl to speak to you honestly and clearly. I'd just delete the bit about girlfriends. Also, I'm sorry there are no good women left in the world. That sucks.
Post a Comment