He was considering giving up dating altogether, or at least taking a long sabbatical from it, he said, because a frustrating pattern had emerged in his dating experiences: He would meet someone he liked, and they would begin to date. As time passed, however, she would begin to display a disinterested attitude and/or behavior and prolong the relationship only to later break up with him, when she could have done so much earlier in the dating process and could have saved them both time and heartache. It was a cycle that had repeated itself time and time again.
"You can kill someone one of two ways," he concluded, metaphorically speaking. "You can either shoot them in the head, or you can tie them to the back of your car and drag them through town for 25 miles." In other words, you can either hurt someone a little, or you can hurt them a lot; the end result is still the same.
I'm paraphrasing here, but that's essentially what he said in summation.
Well, this kind of treatment would, naturally, make anybody frustrated. What could I tell him but that I could definitely see things from his point-of-view and that I agreed with him wholeheartedly about the idea of hurting others a little over hurting them a lot.
It all boils down to simply being honest, or what we came to call "Honesty 101" in our conversation - something that males and females both often tend to sacrifice in favor of being "polite."
I posted on the subject of honesty recently (http://theepistleofjon.blogspot.com/2010/01/honesty-such-lonely-word.html), and I still believe this to be the number-one problem in our collective failure to communicate - at least, it seems to be the biggest problem between I know and with whom I associate.
I didn't mention this to my friend during our conversation, but I have recently had my own confusing and frustrating experience with dating. I asked out someone for a second date after what I thought was a relatively fun first date. I asked her on this date nearly a week prior to it taking place, and during the course of that week, I ran into her at various ward functions, including one the night before our scheduled date. Throughout the course of the evening, I observed that she was spending a lot of her time hanging around another guy and not really ignoring me but not exactly acknowledging my existence, either.
It was an uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. I have never canceled or called off a date before (other than for reasons of illness), but I was sorely tempted to do so for the first time. Instead, I ignored this temptation. We went on the date, but I still felt uncomfortable throughout the evening.
Any way you look at it, I think honesty would have helped out - both on my part and on hers. I could have been honest and told her I didn't feel like going through with the date under the circumstances, or she could have been honest and told me that the same thing.
Well, hindsight is 20/20, right? Anyway, I have had a lot to think about tonight, and I still believe that "honesty is the best policy." What are your thoughts/comments/questions/complaints, if anyone is still there? If I am wrong, where and how am I wrong? Inquiring minds want to know.
3 comments:
Amen. I believe honesty is always best. Where things get sticky is how that honesty is communicated. Some people (men and women alike) think that their actions say all that is needed (not to mention how much easier unspoken honesty is). I think there are good intentions on both sides to not hurt/offend/lead on, etc... We just often haven't perfected the skill of straightforward, kind, honest communication yet.
That's my opinion at least.
I experienced this several times myself when I was dating. Here are a couple of examples:
I met Girl A at Millstream, incidentally. We went out several times, but she gave no indication of whether she really was enjoying my company. One would expect, for example, that she'd say something nice to me, or tell me that she had a great time, or come up and talk to me during a ward activity. Nada.
After the fifth date, I told her (paraphrasing), "Look, I don't know what you think about us or what you're going for, but I'm looking for a long-term relationship. If we're not both wanting the same thing out of this, one of us is not going to be happy." She then politely told me that she wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, and that was that.
I think she lacked the courage to tell me that without me bringing it up. My mistake was not making clear early what my intent was. If two people are just going out for fun and aren't looking for a relationship, fine. If two people *are* looking for a relationship, fine. If one was the former and the other wants the latter, not so fine.
I met Girl B at Institute. We went out on a few dates, and unlike Girl A, she seemed to be genuinely interested in me and having a good time. Also unlike Girl A, I had made her aware of what I was looking for in dating: a long-term relationship. Then one day she calls me up to tell me that she has a boyfriend. As it turned out, the boyfriend was there the whole time. I figure she only revealed it then because all three of us were going to be at an Institute activity, and she knew I would put it together with him hanging off her arm. She got engaged shortly after.
I have a hard time believing that this was anything but an intentional lead-on. One guy taking her out on their own dime wasn't enough attention for her, I guess. At first I was depressed for the lost opportunity; things seemed to be going so well! Then I was angry. I felt used. Ultimately, I felt sorry for the other guy. Sure, she was good looking, but I didn't envy the heartache I suspected she would put him through.
Anyway, this is a long, roundabout way of saying that I agree with you. I was sick of the games that a lot of girls played, and really wanted to find a woman who was straight up about what she wanted. I found that woman, and I married her.
Shannon: I agree. I discussed this same issue recently with a friend, and he added the thought that the expression of honesty often gets tangled up in "politeness," and that's where problems or misinterpretations can occur. Anyway, the idea of "unspoken honesty" gives me an idea for an additional post on the subject.
Rob: Thanks for your comments, too.
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