The bulk of this party was spent watching New Moon, the second installment of the so-called Twilight "saga," which was recently released to DVD. Of course, you most likely already know this, having no doubt already observed the mobs seventh-grade girls lining up to buy it at Wal-Mart.
The decision to watch this flick immediately made anyone with a Y-chromosome in the room rather uneasy, but our fears were allayed when it was announced that we would be watching it with Rifftrax commentary, featuring Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and Mike Nelson from "Mystery Science Theater 3000," one of my favorite all-time TV shows.
So, a compromise had been reached. Thank goodness for the commentary from the MST3K guys, which made us laugh a lot and made a truly terrible movie somewhat bearable. Yes, I have actually seen both Twilight movies now. While the first one was actually halfway decent, the first sequel - and I say this with all due respect - was completely awful.
Watching New Moon was certainly an educational experience for me. Among the things I learned:
- Horse-faced, 109-year-old emo men with Edward Scissorhands hair and skin the tone of a guy who's been playing video games for three straight weeks with the blinds closed are attractive to women.
- Vampires are somewhat co-dependent. Whenever the members of Edward's family are assembled, you always see them standing in pairs, next to their mates.
- Captions would be needed to understand a good third of the dialogue, what with all of the mumbling going on - mostly by Bella and Edward.
- "Evil Harpo" (Jasper, I think?) looks more like a drug addict than a vampire.
- Face Punch, the movie that Bella and her 100-percent human date/rebound relationship go to see, would have made a far-more interesting movie than New Moon.
- The ladies' cue to "ooh" and "ahh" apparently is triggered when the action switches to slow motion or when Jacob takes off his shirt.
- Speaking of which, werewolves are apparently allergic to cotton and cannot physically wear shirts most of the time.
- Speaking of physical impossibilities, Kristen Stewart (Bella) appears to be contractually obligated to deliver each line by either pausing mid-sentence or by biting her lip.
- The scene in which Bella rides off on the motorcycle, keeps seeing Edward's face, and then crashes, is one of the most unintentionally funny things I have ever seen in a movie.
- As the riffers pointed out, the most logical course of action to save your boyfriend who's in trouble thousands of miles away is not to call, text, or e-mail him first but to get on a plane and travel there in person.
- Dakota Fanning has grown up a lot, and it appears that she puts on her eye makeup by looking through those trick binoculars lined with grease paint.
Well! There's more where that come from. I'm told that we have three more movies filled with teenage angst and will-they-or-won't-they to look forward to in the so-called Twilight "Saga."
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