What are dating blind spots? you ask? Anyone with a driver's license knows that a blind spot is the area to the left or right of your car (or even behind, if you're backing up) that can't be seen in side-view mirrors. When changing lanes, it is important to check your blind spots, or you could cause an accident, run over an animal, or worse.
Dating blind spots, then, are personality flaws we don't see in ourselves that may be all-too apparent to our dates or to our friends (think double- or triple-dating). We may think things are running smoothly when (surprise!) we may be acting like an idiot.
I'll give you an example from my own experiences. It was a hard lesson to learn, but it was one that helped me to be more vigilant from that point on.
A few years ago, I became acquainted with a good friend's sister at a dance. She was cute, friendly, smelled nice, and, on top of all of that, was a great dancer to boot. So, I asked her out to (you guessed it) a school dance. I had to drive through a torrential rainstorm all the way out to northern Davis County to pick her up, drive her to the dance at the state Capitol, and then take her home afterward - putting more than 100 miles on my car in one night. No matter, though, for she seemed like a good sport about it, and we talked and laughed throughout the evening. At the dance itself, I gladly taught what was to her a new dance, merengue, and she seemed to enjoy learning that, too.
We had gotten along quite well, I thought, and I was excited about the possibility of going out with her again. A week or so later, I called her up to ask for a second date. When I heard her voice over the phone, however, she seemed, well, not interested in talking to me at all. She flatly told me no. Not no, I'm busy that night, but simply no. She wasn't impolite or rude; she just didn't seem to be the friendly person I had gotten to know the week before.
I tried calling her a third time a few weeks later, just in case the previous occurrence had been some sort of fluke, and again I was given a flat no response. I was puzzled. I wondered for weeks what had happened to cause her to react this way. And, then, I ran into her brother (my friend) at the Institute and asked if he had any input. That turned out to be a stupid question on my part.
She generally enjoyed herself at the dance, he told me. But, early on in the evening, I had made some sort of joke poking fun at Weber State - a school I had previously attended and one that she was currently attending - that had given her a bad impression of me. I thought I was obviously kidding, but the damage had been done. Futher, at the dance, she thought I was a "wallflower" and didn't ask her to dance as much as she would have liked.
As I wrote before, it was a hard lesson for me to learn. I found out that I had at least two major blind spots - ones I didn't know I had - that had made her experience an unpleasant one. In the years since, I have tried to be more careful in what I joke about on first dates, because you never know where people are coming from or what their sense of humor may turn out to be like. What's funny and sarcastic to one person may be insulting to another.
I was hurt when I was given a flat no to those date requests. But, with time and perspective, I have come to respect this girl for being completely honest with me when she had no desire at all for another date. Being told no is so much better than being fed lame excuses, wasting the time of both people involved and prolonging the inevitable.
In other words, you can either hurt somebody a little (by turning him/her down early) or a lot (by stringing him/her along). She chose to hurt me a little, and (now) I appreciate that.
All of this leads me to the discussion questions: Which is the best way to find out about what your dating blind spots are? How do you go about getting feedback for a date? What are the keys to getting a second date?
I would appreciate any and all feedback.
4 comments:
I guess to get feedback you can go directly to the source - ask your date (or perhaps a close friend or family member.) Saying that, I think there needs to be something to be said for giving your date the benefit of the doubt(when it comes to certain things) that you would like to have. At least she didn't waste your or her time, though.
I have a hard time with this (giving feedback for a date... or even a relationship). I love to be straightforward and honest, but I also DON'T love hurting people's feelings. But I try to make it easier for the guy by expressing gratitude for the date a day or so after the date (by phone/text/email - whichever... not all three at once!) if I am interested in a second date. I think the guy can and should do the same. If there is no response, then you have your answer.
To me, that's the most mature way to handle things. Jumping to conclusions, passing judgment, or waiting for the other party to make a move never really works.
Hope that helps!
I agree with Shannon, being straightforward is the best option, but not always the easiest. I think it is a fine line of being yourself and trying not to do something your date won't like. In your situation I don't think your actions were meant to be offensive and you were just being you. I am a sarcastic person and so I know I have to be careful to not offend, but at the same time I can't stop being sarcastic, that just isn't me.
All things relating to relationships are hard and I could use a handbook. But I think being yourself and honest is the best key to a relationship, the person you are meant to be with will like you all the more because of it.
i usually had a hard enough problem getting a first date, let alone a second.. (of course, then i met just the right guy and it didn't matter anymore, though heck, our entire courtship happened with 3000 miles between us...)
it'll happen for you eventually Jon, you're a swell guy and I'll witness to that if ever needed :)
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