25 Even-More Random Things about Me

With a lack of other topics coming to me at the moment, I guess my goal now is to reach 100 overall random things. So, here are 25 even-more random tidbits about me.

51. I love classical music, but I need to be doing something else (such as reading or working on the computer) to listen to it. I find going to the symphony to be one of the most boring things I can think of doing.

52. My favorite condiment is mustard.

53. When I was a sophomore in high school, I won fourth place in a writing contest sponsored by the Deseret News sports section. My prize was a poster autographed by John Stockton.

54. I had shingles three years ago, and I lived to tell the tale.

55. When I was younger, I hated the fact that I had freckles.

56. In the spring of 2000, I took part in a chicken dancing marathon to help set the Guinness World Record in Fruita, Colorado.


57. I am a big gum chewer and love to blow bubbles.

58. With a birthday in October, I was by far one of the youngest people in my grade in school. I was one of the few juniors in Driver's Ed. and was 17 when I started my first semester of college.

59. I have had a kissing scene in a play.

60. Autumn is my favorite season, though around here it rarely lasts long enough to be thoroughly enjoyed.

61. I have feared I was going to be arrested four different times in my life - twice in this country, and twice in Peru.

62. I tried skiing just once. At the end of the evening, I was so black and blue from falling down that I haven't wanted to go again.

63. I recently learned about Talk like a Pirate Day for a work project I researched and wrote about. I now plan to observe it each year on September 19. (Won't you join me, matey?)

64. Before I arrived in Peru, I hadn't looked up the name of their currency (it is the sol, as in "sun") and seriously wondered if I was being ripped off when I traded in my first set of dollars at the bank.


65. I still have a fear of needles, and the only way I can get through giving blood or getting a blood test is not to look at the needle.

66. While I was growing up, one of my pet dogs apparently tried to hang himself.

67. One of my vices is Dr. Pepper, but I made a New Year's resolution this year to give up carbonated drinks. So far, so good.

68. I detest movies in which thieves are the protagonists (i.e. Ocean's Eleven, The Italian Job, The Godfather, Bandits, etc.).

69. For different reasons, I also detest "Friends" and "Will & Grace."

70. Though I attended the University of Utah, I am a BYU Cougars fan. That doesn't mean that I root against the Utes; I just root for the Cougars when the two schools play each other.

71. A lot of the music that my parents subjected me to on family trips when I was younger is now some of my favorite music, too. Included in this group are: John Denver, Anne Murray, Olivia Newton-John, Disney tunes, showtunes, and folk music.

72. I have a good memory and rarely forget a name/face once I have learned it.

73. I far prefer eating cookie dough to eating cookies, whatever the risk of salmonella may be.

74. Though I sometimes make fun of them, I have seen many chick flicks and am always up for some female company to watch one (wink, wink).

75. Unlike my four brothers, I did not get my Eagle Scout award. I was a couple of merit badges and a service project shy.

Good Things Come in Threes

As I write this (Monday night), it is at the conclusion of a very enjoyable three-day weekend. I'm sad to see it end. We got to celebrate not one but two holidays over the past three days. Actually, if you take into account that Friday was a Friday the 13th, then I guess we had three holidays - of sorts.

Friday night, I attended the stake Valentine's dance. It is an annual tradition in our stake and is one of the highlights of the year. I have gone to each of the last three and have had a great time at each. One of my favorite parts of the night was getting on the dance floor along with most of the gang from the ward to dance the "Electric Slide."

The girl I asked to the dance was under the weather and couldn't go with me, but instead she was nice enough to invite me over for pizza, even though she wasn't feeling well, and to play Blokus. It was my first time playing this game, and I actually won - somehow. I have always claimed that I would rather be lucky than good, and I think that may apply here.

Good things come in threes, and I got to take part in three Improv shows over the weekend. Our Improvables troupe put on another great show Friday night at Rodgers Memorial Theatre, and Biz and I participated in both shows (featuring the annual "Battle of the Sexes" Valentine's matchups) Saturday night at ComedySportz in Provo. Between shows, I had to go out to my car to retrieve something, I while I was walking along Center Street in Provo, by happenstance, I witnessed a marriage proposal take place through the window of one of the restaurants along that street. Apparently, she said yes, because all of the other patrons in the restaurant applauded.

Then again, maybe that is an all-too common occurrence in Provo, with BYU being so near and all.

On Sunday, I attended our biannual stake conference at the Turtle (aka the Bountiful Regional Center in Woods Cross). All of the talks were great, but Pres. Mabey's (our stake president) message was particuarly memorable. He essentially bore his testimony by singing several Primary songs (yes, he sang them). After church, I got to take part in a dinner group at my friend Steph's place. This is a new thing that we're doing in the ward, and I like the idea. I got to share a good meal with friends and meet three new ward members, too.

For Presidents' Day (today), I got to spend most of the afternoon and evening with my family. My nephews Dallin and Luke helped to keep me occupied for a large portion of the time, playing with Dallin's Lego Star Wars toys and Luke's cars from (what else?) the movie Cars. Toward the end of the evening, most of my nieces and nephews and I watched a couple of episodes of "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" together, and they were captivated the whole time.

Yes, my nieces and nephews, it turns out, are even bigger Star Wars fans than I am.

Honest Abe's 200th Birthday Extravaganza

If only Abraham Lincoln had not gone to Ford's Theatre on that ill-fated night in April 1865, he would be 200 years old today.


Okay, well, obviously he wouldn't have lived to be that long. Even so, I feel inclined today to say "happy birthday" to the greatest president our nation has ever had - yes, I can say that even despite the media's slobbering love affair with Barack Obama.

All week long on the History Channel, they have been showing various programs dedicated to the life and memory of Honest Abe. I managed to catch one of them the other night, and I must say that the wisdom, leadership, courage, and character demonstrated by this man never cease to amaze me. If a person was ever prepared to lead a country at the time when it most needed a great leader, then Abraham Lincoln was it.

Also, who could forget Abraham Lincoln's supporting role in the movie Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure? It's comedy gold.

In Pres. Lincoln's honor, today I listened to soundtrack of The Civil War, which is one of my favorite musicals. His "Letter to Mrs. Bixby," as narrated by James Garner, is one of the best parts. In fact, just about every speech Lincoln ever made is great stuff and contains wise counsel. Some of my favorite lines of his include:

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.

If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.

My concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right.

We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

With Malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

My Love Song, Not Fancy or Fine

Unless you have been living in a cave, you are no doubt already aware that another Valentine's (aka Singles' Awareness) Day is fast approaching.

Valentine's Day is one of those holidays that, in the past, I have often endured rather than looked forward to or celebrated. A large part of that is due to the fact that there has rarely been someone else with whom to celebrate the holiday. Even so, I try to be cautiously optimistic each new year and hope it will be the exception rather than the rule.


I know I'm not the only one who doesn't look forward to Valentine's Day. I can see why a lot of people look at it as a reminder that they're alone, they're missing somebody, and/or they are not with somebody. In the last few days, I have heard far more people make reference to the fact that the next week includes Presidents' Day (and, therefore, a three-day weekend) than I have heard talk about Valentine's Day and getting excited for that.

Then again, maybe I have been part of or have been eavesdropping on the wrong kinds of conversations.

All kidding aside, I have recently been reading a book titled Uh-Oh by Robert Fulghum. (You may remember that name; he also wrote All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.) Like his other, more-famous book, Uh-Oh contains a series of vignettes and short stories about everyday life - Chicken Soup for the Soul-type stuff - as observed through the eyes of Mr. Fulghum. In one of the chapters I came across recently, he relates a handful of love stories that he has observed or been part of over the course of his life. None of these stories is particularly earth shattering or worthy of a Lifetime movie, per se, but, rather they are all tiny tidbits and subtle moments, such as the lady who smiled at him from across a crowded diner.

I don't know that I've experienced what anyone might call a love story - at least not in the sense that a movie might portray. I'm in my 30s and am still single, and I haven't come close to being engaged. (Then again, you may get a different response if you ask one or two of the girls I've dated.) But, if you use Mr. Fulghum's definition of love stories, then I guess I've been lucky enough to witness a few.


For one, my parents have a picture of me, back when I was five or six years old, with my arm around a cute little girl about my age. I don't know who she was, what has become of her, where the picture was taken, or why my arm was around her, but I have to smile whenever I think about it. (If I can find the picture, I promise I will scan it and add it to this post.)

In elementary school, one of my first crushes was a girl named Anne, who was in my class. I loved to play jacks back then, and I remember finding excuses to play several games of jacks with her - sometimes letting her win.

In Peru, my companion and I taught the discussions to a man named Julio Gonzales - as we sat in the back seat of his taxi cab. His girlfriend, Melinda, referred him to us in the hope that he would join the Church. Flash forward a few years, and, out of the blue, Melinda calls me on the phone one night, obviously crying with joy, because she and Julio have just been sealed in the temple for time and all eternity.

There is also the girl I dated one summer who worked in the Lion House kitchen and would often bring me leftover/extra pieces of cheesecake. It was through her that I learned that the saying that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" has some bona fide merit to it.

A few years ago - and I promise that this is the last story, for now - my bishop spoke in elders quorum and invited all of the single elders to pass out Valentines to the single girls of the ward. I took his advice and, on Valentine's Day, spent several hours visiting several girls in the ward, some of whom I hadn't even spoken to before then, passing out Valentines (I think they had Mickey Mouse on them or something). No, I didn't find anyone to date due to this experience. But I did make a lot of new friends.


Well, I've bared my soul a little bit today, and, honestly, it feels pretty good.

25 More Random Things about Me

Just in case you didn't learn enough about me on the first list, here is another list of 25 additional random things - because one list is just never enough. (Also, at the moment, I'm fresh out of ideas for new posts.) So, here are numbers 26 through 50.

26. I am fluent in Spanish and can get by conversationally in French. (I once had a nice chat with a taxi driver in Paris.)

27. I also took a semester of American Sign Language in college, though I have now forgotten most everything I learned.

28. Someday, I would like to visit New Zealand and hike the trail to Mordor.

29. I once won $55 in a raffle, but I couldn't claim the prize money because I wrote the name Doug Mulligan, instead of my real name, on the ticket. Big mistake.

30. At age 14, I suffered a concussion as a result of playing a game of "Kick the Can."

31. I have had articles published in three different magazines, including the Ensign.

32. I once pretended to be the home teacher of a new girl in the ward so that I could get her phone number.

33. When I worked at Burger King as a teenager, the sewer system, unfortunately, once backed up and splattered all over me.

34. In college, I took five semesters of ballroom dance, two semesters of bowling, and one semester of ultimate Frisbee. I count those classes among some of the best education I've ever received.

35. I did not have the courage to ride the Colossus rollercoaster at Lagoon until I was 13. I enjoyed that first ride so much that I rode it five more times after that.

36. I have sailed through parts of the Caribbean, including some shark-infested waters. The song "Caribbean Blue" by Enya always reminds me of it.

37. When I was 12, I worked a few Utah Jazz games at the Salt Lake Palace - which was where the Jazz played before the Delta Center/EnergySolutions Arena was built - selling popcorn and soda. One man gave me a $20 tip, which, at the time, felt more like $500.

38. I'm not ashamed to admit that movies often make me cry. Some of the movies that have made me cry include: The Testaments of One Fold and One Shepherd; Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; Shadowlands; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; Black Hawk Down; Saints and Soldiers; Brigham City; Anna and the King; The Ultimate Gift; and Steel Magnolias.

39. I have read the Bible from cover to cover twice. I would recommend skipping a lot of those chapters in Leviticus and all of the Song of Solomon.

40. Only last Christmas was I finally able to help build a gingerbread house that did not topple to the ground.

41. I was born in Michigan and have also lived in Nebraska, but I have no memory of either place.

42. I played the trumpet in junior high school but was never very good at it.

43. I have eaten a guinea pig. It tasted like chicken. (In the Andes, guinea pigs are considered to be a delicacy. Don't ask me why.)

44. One of my goals is to become a contestant on either "Jeopardy!" or "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

45. When I visited Chile, I was hit in the elbow by a passing car. As a result, one of the car's side-view mirrors broke off.

46. One of my personality flaws is that I can sometimes go off like a broken record (e.g., "Normal view! Normal view!").

47. When I was growing up, a friend and I actually poured salt on a snail. No, I'm not proud of it.

48. In high school, I was a big procrastinator. I would often delay reading assigned books in my English classes until the night before we were tested on them, and I would stay up all night reading them from start to finish.

49. On a dare, I once ate a bowl of sauerkraut and chili. Trust me; it's not a good combination.

50. I am a sucker for Southern accents, dimples, blue eyes, girls who wear the color red and/or bring me cheesecake, slow dancing, and hugs.

"Of More Value Than Many Sparrows"

Yesterday afternoon, as I went outside to get in my car and head off to a session of physical therapy, I was nearly hit in the head by a wounded bird. I heard a loud thunk! noise, as it collided with something wooden, and then I watched as it fell down to the ground in front of me. It hobbled around, flapping its wings (one of which now looked in terrible shape), trying in vain to get back up into the air and resume its life of . . . whatever it is that birds do.


My first reaction was to double-check and ensure that I had remembered to use deodorant - if you catch my drift. But, as I was already running late for my appointment, I thought no more of the bird and sped off to my intended destination.

Yes, I'm in physical therapy once more. After spending months rehabbing my right shoulder last year following a subacromial decompression surgery, I am back. My physical therapist now says that I have bursitis in my right tensor fasciae latae muscle. (It's in the thigh, just below the hip. Don't worry if you haven't heard of it before; two months ago, I had no idea what it was called, either.)


When you're at physical therapy, you have a lot of time to think. First, you have to sit with a hot pad on the injured area/muscle for 15 minutes. That is followed by five minutes of ultrasound on the affected area. Then, you do your exercises and stretches, which usually take about an hour, and, even while you're grunting and straining through those, you have more time to think. The session often ends with 20 minutes of ice and e-stem electric therapy applied to your sore spot, which is my favorite part and what I consider to be the payoff for all of the hard work you have to do.

While I lay there with the heat pad on, the image of that poor, injured bird flopping around popped back into my head. I suddenly wished I had done something - I don't know what - to try to take care of it, instead of leaving it there like I did. Then, I got to thinking about the well-known scripture in Matthew:

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
-Matthew 10:29-31

You don't have to be a genius to figure out the symbolism of my encounter with the injured bird, which explains how *I* was able to figure it out.

Here I was, surrounded by people with physical ailments of all kinds - shoulder pain, neck pain, wrist pain, knee pain, you name it - and, like the bird, all they wanted to do was to get flying again and get back to whatever it is that people do. And, with that thought, I gained a newfound respect and appreciation for the things that physical therapists do.

Further, I also got to thinking about family and close friends who are living through some painful experiences - of one kind or another - right now, including: depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, loneliness, unemployment, separation from a spouse, excommunication from the Church, and the death of a loved one. They, too, are in the loving hands of the Master Healer, and He will see them through.

Was I thinking too much at physical therapy yesterday? Maybe.

Please allow me to add one more thought and conclude this post with mentioning something about J.K. "Jo" Rowling, who many of you know is the author of the seven Harry Potter books. This past week, I did some research on her and wrote up a small biography for my ongoing work project of writing reading passages. Something interesting that I learned about Jo is of the struggle she had to go through just to get that first Harry Potter book on the shelf, and it is a story that gave me a lot of newfound respect for this woman.


From having the initial idea until publication, it took J.K. Rowling seven years to get Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone into bookstores. That was a tumultuous seven-year period in her life that included the death of her mother, a marriage and a divorce, raising a child as a single parent, and a bout with severe depression. In fact, the Dementors in the Harry Potter books represent her experiences in dealing with depression. No wonder that it is the love that Harry's parents have for him that often sees him through those dark times.

She was flat broke when she wrote the book, and she had to type it up on an old typewriter in public cafes in Edinburgh, Scotland. But, she persisted, and she got it done. The rest, as they say, is history.

Somebody's Watching Me

I don't know if I've been imagining things, or what.

Over the course of the past week, on multiple occasions, I have glanced at my car's rear-view mirror, while stopped at traffic lights, to see multiple people pulling out their camera phones or digital cameras and taking pictures of my car. Really.

A paranoid person might think he were being followed by the CIA, the FBI, or maybe even the Bookmobile's late fees collection department. (True story: My family checked out The Monster at the End of This Book from the Bookmobile nearly 30 years ago, and we never returned it.)

The whole situation reminds me of what used to be a well-loved '80s tune, "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell, which I often rollerskated to at Classic Skating as I grew up. That song has now, of course, been ruined forever by its recent use in multiple GEICO TV commercials featuring a a stack of money with a pair of creepy-looking eyes attached to it.

Of course, there is a possible rational explanation for all of the people who have been taking pictures of my car: my LDSJEDI license plate.

To make a long story short: A few years back, a female friend told me about having seen a car parked at the Oakland, California, temple, and it had LDSJEDI personalized plates on it - through the state of California. We then got to talking and wondering whether anyone in Utah had taken out a similar license plate. Partly to try to impress her, and also because it seemed like a good idea at the time, I applied for and was approved for an LDSJEDI license plate issued by the state of Utah. (My second choice, by the way, was ECTO-1, the personalized plates on the Ghostbusters' vehicle.)


My lady friend was, in the end, not impressed with the initiative on my part. But, as it turns out, a handful of other motorists driving on Utah's roads might be. (True story: I once ended up driving on I-15 behind a guy with SKYWLKR personalized plates. It was one of those rare moments when the cosmos aligned just so.)

25 Random Things about Me

I already posted this list to my Facebook account earlier in the week (with a few minor variations), so I thought I may as well post it here.

1. When I was just three weeks old, my older brother, Mike, hit me over the head with a wooden mallet. That should explain a lot.

2. I would rather have a pet rock than a pet fish. Above all other pets, I love dogs. Unlike humans, they have never said a cross word to me. My golden retriever, Rolley - who died last year at the age of 14 - was one of my best friends, and I still think about her and miss her most every day.


3. According to imdb.com, I have seen and rated over 4,400 TV episodes, movies, and video games. Yes, I have a lot of spare time on my hands.

4. I have been tested for allergies and have learned that I am allergic to about a third of the things floating around in Utah's air.

5. Though I have not come close to scoring a perfect 300 in bowling, I (according to my instructor) achieved the first perfect score - 25 out of 25 - on the written test final for my bowling class at the University of Utah.

6. Though I have never been a great basketball player, I am proud of a few accomplishments. For example, I once hit an estimated 75-foot shot to beat the buzzer in a church basketball game. My career high in a game is 14 points. I once grabbed 10 rebounds in a five-minute stretch of a game. I wear jersey number 31, when possible, because it was the same number worn by Utah Jazz player Adam Keefe, whose hustle play I admired a lot.

7. Though I have participated in all kinds of theater and have done a lot of public speaking, I was once in speech therapy, because I couldn't talk well.

8. I once sang a solo at an Institute choir concert, and, for my own sake and my audience's, I will never do it again. I also once won a karaoke contest by singing Elvis Presley's "(Let Me Be) Your Teddy Bear."

9. I taught myself to play the zampoña (pan flute), which I picked up in Peru, and, with it, played a duet of Simon & Garfunkel's 'El Condor Pasa (If I Could)" at a ward talent show. Ben backed me up on the guitar.

10. In the third grade, I played the black child in my school play, "The Safety Kids."

11. I am afraid of heights, marionettes, clowns, haunted houses, and the number 26.

12. There are 15 days' worth of MP3s on my computer.


13. I still have a box full of Garbage Pail Kids cards, but I doubt they're worth the paper on which they are printed.

14. In 2009, I will receive credit for co-authoring a book.

15. If I were a superhero, my "kryptonite" would be talking to girls on the telephone.


16. I have lived through multiple earthquakes, a hurricane, and a flood. I was out of the country when the Salt Lake tornado went through downtown SLC and next to my workplace, or I would have lived through that, too.

17. My two favorite NBA teams are the Utah Jazz and whoever plays the Los Angeles Lakers.

18. I have never been pulled over by a cop, let alone been given a ticket.

19. I may very well have met one of the Three Nephites in the middle of nowhere near Island Park, Idaho, when I was 15.

20. I once flew all the way to Georgia just to attend a "Weird Al" Yankovic concert with Clayton. It was worth it.

21. I have been cast in four TV commercials.

22. I have to use my thumb and pinky to be able to snap my fingers. I can't do it any other way.

23. I saw Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace seven times and Jurassic Park four times in theaters. Yes, I'm a nerd.


24. I once volunteered at an elementary school and taught a classroom full of sixth graders to dance the disco hustle.

25. Though I have never dyed my hair, I have had red, blond, and brown (auburn?) hair.

Love Poetry for Dummies: "The Canteloupe Tale"

For those who weren't aware of it, I am a bit of a poet. Or, at least, I like to say that I am.

As a senior, I was on the staff of my high school's literary magazine. Four or five of my poems (and one essay) were published in that year's magazine, too. I also took a couple of creative writing classes in college towards my English literature minor, for which I had often had to write poetry.

The results of my poetic endeavors may not always be that great. Honestly, the results are often cheesy rather than memorable. But it's still fun and challenging for me to try to compose rhymes.

I have kept a file of a lot of the poetry I've written over the years. If I were to ever try to get it published, I would definitely call it Love Poetry for Dummies - not that I'm qualified to instruct "dummies" in writing poems, but because I like to think of my poetry as "by dummies, for dummies." In other words, I realize it's not Shakespeare, and I make no secret of that fact.

From time to time, I will endeavor to publish some of these poetic efforts here on "The Epistle of Jon." Not all of them are love poems, per se, and not all of them are based on real-life experiences - although some of them are - but the category "dummies," as previously explained, almost always applies.

First, I present "The Canteloupe Tale," which I wrote when I was a student at Weber State University. (I actually entered this into a contest, at my professor's invitation; I'm not sure how I finished in the contest, because I was off on my mission soon afterward.) It is based on Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, part of which I had to read for said English class. The concept behind this is that Middle English is, quite often, a tough language to understand. Further, I have a cousin named Geoff who lives over in England, and the in-joke here is that even my own English relatives are sometimes quite hard to understand when they speak - despite the fact that we're speaking the same language.

The Cantaloupe Tale

And so it befell that on All Hallow's E'en,
to honor Geoff Chaucer, on whom they were keen,
the folks that were in the town's poetry club
gathered together and met at the pub.
Tonight, on the night of the goblins and ghosts,
they would call up his spirit and drink him a toast;
they would read from his tales and would speak of his brilliance--
his great contributions for millions and millions.

For this séance they went to the cantaloupe patch
and hoped that the spirit of Chaucer would hatch.
No passing out candy or costumes this evening--
they would see the great author before thinking of leaving.
The group was all those who had hobbies as poets:
a plumber, a waitress, and, wouldn't you know it?
A lawyer, complete with his briefcase and papers,
whose clients were never convicted in capers.

An actor, a yuppie, spin doctor, and the likes
of a disgruntled basketball player on strike.
Lagging behind them, now who could that be?
A sign-toting worker of the UDOT.
They waded through carrots, tomatoes, and peas,
found the cantaloupe patch, and got down on their knees,
held hands, and cast their eyes up to the sky;
for Chaucer to visit them, much did they cry.

All that remained was the short recitation
of a passage from Chaucer's own work--a quotation.
With all confidence and all his faith still intact,
the spin doctor tried, but he failed in the act.
The words were too strange and they made little sense,
befuddled, confused him, he went mad, and hence,
the others decided to give it a go--
but they failed, too, and what do you know?

Even the lawyer, with his vast expertise,
Couldn't make sense of the strange English-ese.
They struggled for hours and hours and then,
with no energy left and the hour at ten,
more likely were they to see a flying saucer;
no way were they going to get to meet Chaucer.
Their hopes were destroyed, and thus, with no meeting,
they stormed from the patch and then went trick-or-treating.

The moral of the story: Enjoy Halloween!
Don't try to call spirits at a vegetable scene.
And most of all, it's really not worth the anguish
Of trying to comprehend Geoff’s Middle English.

Absolute Turkeys

One of my guilty pleasures is watching bad (i.e. stupid, not vulgar) movies. I'll admit it freely.

Some of you may be thinking: Why, Jon? Why do you put yourself through that kind of torture?

I can think of lots of reasons. To name just a few, bad films (or "turkeys") are enjoyable to watch because:

1) They are easy to make fun of, in the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" tradition.

2) In the same sense, they are good practice for "Hecklers," an Improv game that I get to play from time to time.

3) At the very least, after watching a bad movie, I can then help warn my family and friends about how lame certain movies are and save them $7.75 (or a rental fee).

Of course, I like to see good movies, too. It's the films that are neither good nor bad that I try to avoid, for they are the least entertaining of all. (A good example would be pretty much anything Nicolas Cage or Renée Zellweger have been in.)

The latest offender on the bad movie list is Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000, which I caught on TV the other day. This was one infamous cinematic clunker that I had heard about for a number of years, and the verdict is: Yes. It really is that bad. It may even be worse than you've heard, if that's possible.


Picture a future 991 years from now in which humanity has been enslaved by a human-like race of extraterrestrials called the Psychlos. Worse, John Travolta (who I'm left to understand picked up a $10 million paycheck for this piece of drivel) is at his most over-the-top as some kind of a human dogcatcher. Even worse, everybody's hairdo looks like Amy Winehouse's.

Humanity fights for freedom. The Psychlos fight back. And the hilarity ensues.

No need to thank me for the heads-up on this one. That's what I do.